Sabbatical Doubting

This is my last full week of work before beginning a sabbatical that will run until Labor Day. The ability to take a sabbatical after seven years was built into my call as pastor at the church I serve. I've been its pastor for a bit over seven years now, but that timing coincides with significant changes our congregation's leadership has planned.

We are nearing the end of a several year's long process that we have labeled "Renew," and this summer marks a time of transition from and old, heavy-on-the administrative-side committee structure to a new structure that is more focused on ministry. Summer is when the new teams will come up with priorities and implementation plans for the program year that begins in September. And I will be gone for much of that time.

All this is context for my recent church newsletter article which I've copied below.

Sisters and brothers in Christ,

As summer approaches, I find myself feeling a little uneasy. I’m not quite certain how to describe it. Neither worry nor concern nor trepidation seems quite right, but it’s something like that. My upcoming motorcycle sabbatical might seem a likely culprit, but I think not. I am truly looking forward to the trip, and I worry less about riding the highways of the American Southwest than I do the freeways of DC.

Another potential source of uneasiness is our Renew process. This summer will be an important time as the new Mercy, Worship, Justice, Spiritual Growth, Community Building, and Ministry Support teams begin to set priorities. The will develop focus and plans to help live into our mandate: Gathering those who fear they are not enough, so we may experience grace, wholeness, and renewal as God’s beloved. And I will be absent for much of that process.

I’d be lying if I said I had no anxieties about this. But Renew has been a collaborative project of the Session. I have certainly had input, but I’ve not been the primary leader. Elders have done the leading and the planning, and I have little reason to worry that the process will falter without my presence.

That said, I do think that my uneasiness is related to the Renew process. It’s not about the capabilities and commitment of our elders, our deacons, or our dedicated staff. The Renew process is in as capable a set of hands as any congregation could ever hope. Still, my uneasiness remains, and I wonder if this isn’t a faith issue.

Our missional mandate speaks of gathering people “…so that we may experience grace, wholeness, and renewal…” Appropriately it does not say “…so that we may provide grace, wholeness, and renewal…” These are not ours to give. They are gifts from God. No amount of capability and dedication on our part can bring about the transformation at the heart of Renew. It is dependent on God, on Jesus’ call, and on the movement of the Spirit, none of which is under our control.

Will we, along with those we gather in with us, experience grace, wholeness, and renewal as God’s beloved? And why wouldn’t we? Shouldn’t God be the most reliable part of this process, even more sure than the capabilities of elders, deacons and staff?

I see two different faith issues here. One is about making room for the Spirit. It is easy to get so focused on the things I need to do, the things we as a congregation must do, that God nearly gets shoved out of the picture. Many times I have caught myself functioning as though God was not present, that it is all dependent on us. If we do not work to stay connected to Jesus’ call, to the guidance and empowerment of the Spirit, we may find ourselves attempting to do, on our own, what only God can do.

But there is a more fundamental faith issue. Is God reliable? The Session has listened very carefully, spent much time in prayer and discernment, and has clearly heard Jesus calling us to our new missional mandate. But that mandate asks us to step out on faith, to risk that God will provide what is needed. Will God provide? I sometimes have my doubts, and perhaps that’s the heart of my uneasiness.

I have known people who say their faith is without doubt. I do not trust such people, and many great Christian thinkers would seem to agree with me. Paul Tillich once said, “Doubt isn’t the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith… Sometimes I think it is my mission to bring faith to the faithless, and doubt to the faithful.” John Calvin said, “…we cannot imagine any certainty that is not tinged with doubt, or any assurance that is not assailed by some anxiety.” And my favorite is from Frederick Buechner, “Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith. They keep it awake and moving.”

I hope my sabbatical allows me to do a lot of wrestling with doubts this summer. Perhaps the continuing Renew rollout will provide opportunities for you to do a little wrestling of your own.

May the summer bless you with fruitful doubting,