Groping for God

It doesn't happen very often, but there are occasional nights when I can't sleep because my brain won't stop. Most often this happens because I'm worried about something at work or  struggling with a sermon. Last night was something of an oddity. My "worry" was the lyrics to a Mountain Goats song. I was struggling to recall a song in its entirety, but couldn't quite coax all the words out into the open. And the not quite complete lyrics played over and over.

My wife doesn't understand my affection for and, from her perspective, near obsession with the Mountain Goats. Some of John Darnielle's lyrics can indeed be dark, depressing, sad, defiant, and unnerving. Yet they often have a cathartic effect on me. Perhaps that would not happen if not accompanied with his distinctive style and voice. I don't know. But I find some of his least uplifting lyrics to be a balm for my soul at times.

Perhaps that is why I couldn't sleep last night as I tried to recall words that would not come. I was reaching for a balm I could not lay my hands on. It was frustratingly close yet just out of reach. God feels like that to me at times, so maybe there was a little transference at work.

I wonder if the author of Psalm 12 is reaching for a balm that can't quite be grasped. The writer is clearly frustrated with the situation. Hyperbole is a big part of Hebraic speech, but still...

   Help, O LORD, for there is no longer anyone who is godly;
          the faithful have disappeared from humankind.
   They utter lies to each other;
          with flattering lips and a double heart they speak.

We later learn that the plight of the poor and needy is a part of the psalmist's frustrating situation. The psalmist places the words about the poor and needy on God's lips. “Because the poor are despoiled, because the needy groan, I will now rise up,” says the LORD. I wonder if it is certainty or frustration that drives the psalmist to speak for God. Is the psalmist confident God will act or longing for God to act?

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Righteousness is an almost exclusively religious word in our day, perhaps obscuring some of Jesus' meaning. The paraphrase, "Blessed are those who long for a world set right," may come closer to that meaning than what some hear when they read from the Bible. Jesus describes a frustration not so different from the psalmist's and says such unfulfilled longing is somehow blessed, that such frustrations are not forever.

It seems that frustration, longing for God's presence and action, is part of faith. The life of faith will experience dissonance with a world that allows the poor to be despoiled and lets the needy groan. And it will speak, perhaps confidently, perhaps longingly, of a God who acts.

Wake and rise and face the day and try to stop the day from staring back at me
Busy hours for joyful hearts and later maybe head out to the pharmacy
Won't take the medication but it's good to have around
A kind and loving God won't let my small ship run aground

If you will believe in your heart
And confess with your lips
Surely you will be saved one day        - The Mountain Goats

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